raech07's Xanga

Thursday, December 15, 2005

Thu, 15 Dec 2005 06:35:21 GMT

tomorrow i leave chico for good. my boyfriend and i are driving to san jose.

sunday night, he'll drive me to sacramento so i can fly to la and go to disneyland with my best friend for my 21st birthday.

wednesday morning, i fly to maryland, where i will meet all my belongings and my replacement cell phone. cuz some asshole stole mine at my fucking birthday party.

i am so done with chico. california...i love you. but i think we need some time apart. catch you later.

Sunday, September 25, 2005

Sun, 25 Sep 2005 03:25:27 GMT

i had to write a blues song for my american music class and i'm really proud of it. i think it's hot. i'm gonna use it.

Monday, September 19, 2005

Mon, 19 Sep 2005 00:34:34 GMT

this is what's really going on. i am single, sexy, and sweet. and i'm tired of lying to myself about who and what i want in life. do not get it twisted; i love women. LOVE THEM. but if i'm attracted to a boy....i'm not gonna be ashamed about it. i have no reason to be. call it an "itch" that needs to be scratched. call it what the fuck you want to call it. it could be that. it could be any or all of that. yeah. or it could just be who i fucking am. like...really though, it's no one's concern but my own. my sexuality is an issue that is up to me to solve and figure out and deal with; that's my identity in question...my life path. and i am walking it...well. i'm happier now than i have been...ever. at any point in my life....ever. i am beautiful, i feel wonderful, i'm making friends...i feel like i own the universe. i am so completely at peace with myself. so i may or may not be bisexual; i'm not gonna put the shit in quotes, cuz you all know i hate that shit too...the "i like the person, don't label me" shit...but seriously. at the same time, i'm not concerned with what the fuck i need to call it. in the realest realm, i am happy. that shit doesn't need a label. i don't need to be certain of what i'm going to refer to something as if it's making my life more pleasant. i'm completely cool with where i'm at. so there you go. bisexual. story. sticking to it.

Saturday, August 27, 2005

Sat, 27 Aug 2005 02:25:50 GMT

I will tell this to myself every day for the rest of my life. A realization hit me in the last 24 hours, and I am sick and tired of feeling like shit. This is my mantra. I hope to be back very soon.

I am an incredible person. People love to be around me because I am ebullient, witty, and intelligent. I radiate beauty and sincerity, and people admire that. There is no value in fearing the power of my personality. The effect I have on people is remarkably positive, and I will never be ashamed of that. The person I have always been is the person I will continue to be, regardless of my surroundings, my appearance, or the judgments of others. I deserve everything I receive, and am responsible for everything I release. I have fantastic aspirations for my future, and enormous enthusiasm for the lives of the people I will touch with those aspirations. I have tremendous faith in my continued success in life and an equal fervor for the betterment of myself as a human being. I believe in life and love and taking pleasure in the rapture of nature's inherent splendor.

------- Rachel Lisa Howard

Thursday, July 28, 2005

Thu, 28 Jul 2005 16:30:19 GMT

the only way to properly identify the mood i'm suspended in at the present time is intense. i got to thinking about my life up to this point. all the fantasies i've harbored over the years regarding several vignettes of what i'd hoped life would amount to for me at various times of my life. i started thinking of how much a dreamer i was as a young girl. i honestly believed life would be this magical fairy tale with love and romance and impossibly orgasmic happy endings to everything.

it got me to wondering if anything romantic ever happens anymore. the stories we all watch in movies like can't hardly wait and never been kissed and cry at how adorably affectionate the whole affair is...do they ever really happen? even on a slightly smaller scale? is there anyone that i graduated with that held a deep, secret love inside of them all four years, and to this day thinks about and misses and wants for this high school heartache he or she could never reveal? is there someone i graduated with that maybe sacrificed himself enormously, put his heart and soul on the line for someone else, and never mentioned it, out of care and respect for someone else? do these things ever really happen?

are these only fantasies? is a situation like this so crazy and elaborate that life never takes such a valiant path? i want to know if people, in actuality, ever experience this kind of romanticism, really, in real life. or if it's something songwriters and movie producers and authors all know and understand is the highest point of desire in the american or human mind. and they write to all of the world's greatest desire to be loved and be bewildered by it. please tell me that great love still exists.

Saturday, June 11, 2005

Sat, 11 Jun 2005 15:51:30 GMT

it's official. 100 pounds. gone. 103 to be exact! hell yes bizatches.

aaand i'm $520 in the hole. i was supposed to go to san jose this weekend, but i'm so effing broke i can't afford to scratch my ass. it sucks. it would've been really nice to see car and ally and shanda and the kids and stuff. shanda finally adopted aspen, the baby girl she's been trying to get custody of for...like two years i think...and they were having a party for her this weekend that i wanted to come down for. i'm really sad that i can't go. oh well. i'll get down there soon.

my girlfriend and i had a talk yesterday. good talk, i think. feelings got hurt; they always do. i'm so sorry about that. it makes us stronger, though. we'll be aiight baby.

p.s. mr. & mrs. smith is the fucking SHIT.

Thursday, May 19, 2005

Thu, 19 May 2005 03:32:13 GMT

we are now offically TWO POUNDS AWAY. weighing in at 165 droopy, luscious pounds. how are we celebrating, folks? throw me ideas. please. PLEASE. it's a big effing deal. if it's gonna be a party, which is the obvious choice, it's gonna be special. it's gonna be a gala. that means semi-formal. celebratory. not drunken or out of control. that means that if you're special to me, you better be there. if it's not a party, don't worry about it. =) OMFG I'M SO EXCITED. two effing pounds, ladies and gentlemen. two.

Monday, May 02, 2005

Mon, 02 May 2005 06:35:09 GMT

oh, come on, now, ladies...don't fight.

ok...it's still a few pounds away, but...

i'm almost at -100 pounds. i mean, come on. i've lost almost a hundred pounds in less than a year. just over 3/4 of a year. so i wanna do something special for when i've reached 100, plus, if i plan something cool, it'll be that much more motivation for me to work at it for these last 7 pounds or so.

so...anyone got any ideas?

Friday, April 29, 2005

Fri, 29 Apr 2005 12:40:59 GMT

If you read this,
You must post a memory of me.
It can be anything you want;
It can be good or bad,
just so long as it happened.
Then post this to your Xanga,
To see what people remember about you.

Thursday, January 13, 2005

Thu, 13 Jan 2005 06:12:00 GMT

we picked up our couch today. i love it. it's so big and cute. and dirty. i'll take a picture and post it. cuz everyone wants to see, i know.

i'm so tired.

i need to download different songs for my mp3 player. i'm so bored at work. any ideas?

nae and i went to stonewall tonight. that was cool. there was a nice cute girl named christina. from guam. and two annoying ass white girls. the typical ones. god. get OUT already. and then one other white girl who depressed me. that's another essay though. i've already got one on my plate.

car, i promise i'll write it. it's in my head.